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 knifetinkerer19 Jan : 18:15Welcome to anyone wandering over from Knifeforums during its temporary intestinal upset.
HCRoyall17 Oct : 12:29I think training monkeys to stab people would be very effective. I mean, it shouldn't take much, since they grasp the concept of using tools very easily and they're already mean sons of bitches.
knifetinkerer27 Sep : 15:56yes, "more weapons" is exactly what we're looking for. It's OK if you're drunk as long as you're not fighting pretend monsters with your Badger blade right here in the HQ. We just redecorated.
AngryAmerican27 Sep : 06:18been busy as fuck lately. still planning on posting some more weapons.
must find time when i'm not drunk/tired as hell...
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|  There are many fine websites devoted to knives and other sharp objects. KnifeBlabber is not one of them.
Authors not responsible. Sharp objects may cause injury or serious death.
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Drunk lady knifes partner over pork chop
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45-year-old grandmother yells ad slogan at boyfriend, jams steak knife in his leg.
I stabbed my boyfriend! Ha ha! |
"Eat my pork, feel my fork!" So goes the British TV ad, and that's what Terry Wenn of Hull (UK) shouted at her life partner Anthony Donkin before picking up a steak knife and plunging it into his thigh.
"That's not a fork," observed Donkin.
Well, that's what we would have said, anyway.
Donkin had rudely gone and scarfed up the leftover pork chops that Wenn had been aging in the fridge, prompting her to stab him. She said: "I'm sorry about what I did to Anthony but you just don't eat my pork chops and expect to get away with it. They're my favourite and I'd made them with peas and carrots with onion gravy. I'd been thinking about that meal all day."
We think we know what Wenn had been doing all day, and it rhymes with "thinking" and starts with "getting smashed off your cooter."
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London area cops net zero knives in Tube shakedown
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Riders appear rather more fond of getting high, skipping fares.
In a joint endeavor cleverly named Operation Blunt, London Metropolitan Police and British Transport officers descended on Ealing Broadway Station for ten hours last Friday evening, searching travelers with both stationary and handheld metal detectors in order to rid the public transit system of all the knife-toting psychopaths who make the daily commute a bloodbath jammed with the perforated corpses of defenseless businesspersons. But somehow, the authorities failed to detect even one knife.
"We know that those who carry knives use transport links to move around London," declared the Met Police's Operation Blunt webpage. Evidently, somebody failed to notify those who carry knives, who were conspicuously absent from the railway. Perhaps they were too busy stabbing each other and licking the blood off their knives.
Instead, the operation resulted in a total of 5 arrests for skipping fares or drug possession, according to the Ealing Times, for an average of one misdemeanor arrest for every two hours of the shakedown. English taxpayers were reportedly ecstatic over this expenditure of public funds.
Do we sound sarcastic? How rude of us! To be fair, we should mention that in addition to the 5 non-knife-realated arrests, police also wrote out 3 warnings for possession of cannabis. Far be it from KnifeBlabber to suggest that these measures had zero impact on the burgeoning plague of sharp objects currently squeezing all of London in its terrifying grip.
Here in the States, we might call subjecting everyone to a warrantless search with no probable cause a "fishing expedition," and any charges based on drugs seized during a supposed weapons patdown would probably be kicked out of court and into a stable low-Earth orbit.
Of course, we also call any place where the government can have weapons and the citizens can't "a police state." Crazy rootin'-tootin' Wild West Americans!
Our fingers are getting tired from ridiculing all these mouth-breathing knife snatchers! Join us by clicking the ad below and buying all sorts of dangerous objects, thus sending them into safety-obsessed conniption fits!
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Man robs gas station with broken pool cue, forgets butcher knife
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Most people who decide to rob a convenience store do so with a deadly weapon at their disposal. But one Indianapolis man decided to break from the mold and instead of using the butcher knife he brought along, went with half a pool cue intead.
The would-be criminal mastermind strolled into a Souteastside convenience store and demanded the cashier hand over the money in the cash register. He shook his half a pool cue to show that he meant business. Not content to wait, the burglar went behind the counter and grabbed a whopping $165 from the register. The clerk, who had been sweeping the store, decided enough was enough and began beating the robber with his broom.
He then locked the front door and a vicious fight ensued, half of a pool cue against a broom handle. During the fight, the clerk noticed a butcher knife in the assailant's sweatshirt, grabbed it, and promptly hid it behind the counter.
Knowing the jig was up, our unlucky bandit broke through the front door and escaped, leaving behind his poor pool cue, butcher knife, $1 bill, and plenty of surveillance footage.
Now, we at Knifeblabber do not condone criminal acts, but we can't help but think that things might have gone better for Mr. Lesser Vassal of Thieves if he had thought to use his butcher knife. The only thing we can figure is that he convinced himself it would look something more like this:
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New law raises knife-buying age from 16 to 18 in England, Wales
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Age restriction will "prevent young people obtaining knives," says Home Secretary Jacqui Smith.
 Not in England, you don't. |
Yesterday, the Violent Crime Reduction Act of 2006 went into effect in England and Wales, raising the minimum legal age for buying a knife, among other provisions. "We are determined to prevent young people obtaining knives by raising the age from 16 to 18," said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith.
In terms of efficacy, we at KnifeBlabber view the measure as an attempt to piss up a rope during a hurricane. After all, a recent undercover investigation in Flintshire found that 40% of shops sold knives to 13-year-olds when the age limit was 16, according to the BBC. It is hard to believe that raising the number to 18 will prevent anything, given that the age limit is widely ignored in the first place.
Furthermore, it is unclear to us how many 16 to 18-year-olds buy knives to use in violent crimes as opposed to just picking them up off the kitchen counter, or indeed how many in that age group are even inclined to commit such crimes. So we're not too confident that the new limit will result in any Violent Crime Reduction.
Finally, research has suggested that when British schoolboys admit to having carried a knife, they are talking about legal pen-knives less than three inches in length, according to UK newspaper The Telegraph. So the problem of knife-carrying youth may be vastly overstated in the first place.
Such criticisms of British policy are typical. Last year, an independent study at King's College, London, concluded that the Government lacks a coherent evidence-based strategy for dealing with knife carrying and knife-related offences. Report author Chris Eades said: "The Government is constructing responses without any credible evidence that they will be successful... knives will be available as long as there is unsliced bread... we should look at the root causes – the inclination or desire to resort to violence."
Richard Garside, Acting Director of the Centre for Crime and Justice Studies, added: "Knives are but one means by which people assault and injure one another. We need to address why individuals get into violent confrontations with each other, and not simply fixate on the weapons they use."
Indeed, we at KnifeBlabber fondly recall handling and even carrying knives all through childhood and adolescence without ever feeling the need to murder anyone with them.
Sadly, it seems that the British government is firmly fixated on the sharp objects themselves, as shown by a sampling from decades of similar legislation aimed at preventing knife crime:
- The Prevention of Crime Act 1953 made it illegal to have an "offensive weapon" in a public place; this includes ''any article made or adapted for use for causing injury to the person, or intended by the person having it with him for such use by him or by some other person.''
- The Restriction of Offensive Weapons Act 1959 banned the carrying, manufacture, sale, purchase, hire or lending of flick-knives (switchblades) and ''gravity knives.''
- The Criminal Justice Act 1988 contained a list of prohibited martial arts-style weapons and made it illegal to carry an article with a blade or sharp point in a public place.
- The Offensive Weapons Act 1996 made it illegal to sell knives to children under 16.
- The Knives Act 1997 prohibited the marketing of "combat knives."
Among the results:
Source.
We imagine that the current legislation will be every bit as effective as these previous efforts.
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Bus rout: Youth gang surprised by old guy with knife
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Seattle man goes free, teens may face charges in bus incident.
If you're a quintet of teenaged gang members all pumped up with testosterone after watching a football game, then nothing consummates your male bonding ritual quite like teaming up on some old bespectacled guy during the bus ride home. That is, unless he fights back and literally cuts your asses up and sends you all home to Mommy.
That's what happened when five alleged gang members got on a bus Friday night and decided it'd be a swell idea to rough up some old geezer and grab his glasses, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. The man wasn't having any of it. He pulled a knife and fought back. One teen tough guy sustained a dislocated shoulder, and the other four received relatively superficial cuts, including some to the ass region. All five were treated at the scene and released to their parents, who found spankings unnecessary, given that the boys' buttocks were already pretty much sliced to ribbons.
After witnesses pegged the teenagers as the aggressors, police characterized the unnamed knife-wielding man's actions as self-defense. They interviewed him, kept the knife as evidence, and let him go. He was unhurt.
The teens, however, are likely to face criminal charges for their part in the incident. Talk about pouring salt in the butt wounds.
KnifeBlabber sends this one out to all those who say there's no legitimate use for a knife on today's streets. Hogwash! Buy some stuff from the link below and exercise a civilizing influence on your community today.
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UK Knife Ban Once Again Effective
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Effective in not stopping people from attacking each other with knives, that is!
A five year old boy in South Yorkshire has been suspended from school for attacking a classmate with a craft knife he brought from home. Apparently the two students had clashed before, but this time, it went too far. The attacker left some heinous scratches on his classmate's neck and hip.
Now, we aren't sure what a "craft knife" is in this context, but if it's anything like an X-acto knife, those are some wicked scratches. And in the hands of a five year old, well, just watch out! The little whippersnapper just might cut you open!
In all seriousness, the parents of the boy who was attacked aren't too happy. They want the other boy moved to an entirely new school to continue his craft knife reign of terror. The victim's mother said she was "appalled" at this "horrifying" attack and that her son is now too scared to go to school, in case the craft knife-wielding fiend strikes again.
This just goes to show that banning pocket knives won't deter five year olds from stabbing their classmates. The UK will not be safe until the only thing left is safety scissors!
Speaking of unsafe items, feel free to support Knifeblabber and buy some of these great stabbilicious household items.
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Walking, talking Freudian complex waives preliminary hearing
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Off-duty cop charged with brandishing knife, penis.
After a long day of making knife jokes, we at KnifeBlabber like to unwind by going to a bar, getting out our penises, and bragging about the hundreds of people we killed in Iraq while waving a knife around.
Just kidding. We wouldn't dream of upstaging Lawrence County, Pennsylvania policeman Frank Stahlman, who was performing exactly this routine for astonished patrons of a New Castle bar on July 26, according to area police. As a result of the incident, he was suspended from part-time positions with two police departments and has now waived the preliminary hearing to which he is entitled, according to an AP report.
When asked what he called his amazing act, Stahlman replied, "The Aristocrats!"
We at KnifeBlabber have knives to match the mind-boggling colossal hugeness of our genitalia!
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Florida man proves own point by getting himself thrown in jail
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“Kids could bring a knife or a gun to school just like I am now," says idiot to guidance counselor.
If you're anything like 49-year-old Alfredo Medina of Lehigh Acres, Florida, then nothing expresses your feelings about the security of our children quite like waving a big old 10-inch folding knife around the offices of the local middle school. So that's exactly what he went and did today, according to the News-Press of Southwest Florida.
Medina was meeting with school guidance personnel when he stood up and revealed a large folding knife clipped to his belt. "You see how I could have a knife?" he asked. We assume this was a rhetorical question, as anyone could plainly see that he not only could have a knife but actually did have one.
Not content to merely commit a felony in order to belabor the obvious, Medina felt it necessary to pull the knife, open it, and start waving it around, saying, “Kids could bring a knife or a gun to school just like I am now. Anyone could kill someone here,” according to arrest records.
Those present signaled their understanding of Medina's argument by having him thrown in the can, where he is being held without bond.
Hey there, concerned parents! Want to test your local school's reaction to security threats and get some quality "me" time behind bars? Then nothing makes an impression on school administrators quite like waving one of these giant Cold Steel folders under their noses while bellowing some gibberish about killing someone!
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Update: Maryland grand jury refuses to indict pistol-whipped pocket knife owner
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Local sherrif upset that convenience store regular got away with only a .45 butt to the face.
Deputy Avnet says Jones looked like this |
A Salisbury, Maryland grand jury voted Monday against criminally charging a man police say tried to rip the gun away from off-duty Wicomico County Sheriff's Office deputy Evan Avnet at a convenience store. Avnet had drawn his .45 pistol on the man after seeing that he had a pocket knife, and a scuffle ensued, ending when Avnet brained Jones with the butt of his pistol.
"I am a little disappointed, but I respect their decision," Sheriff Mike Lewis said, speculating that the grand jury decided not to indict Tommy Jones because he suffers from mental illness.
We at KnifeBlabber suggest that it may also have something to do with having no case. Witness accounts of the convenience store scuffle differ markedly from the report submitted by deputy Avnet. The cashier, for example, contradicted the deputy's statement that Jones flicked the knife open during the transaction or behaved in any threatening manner whatsoever, calling Jones a daily customer who "couldn't even hurt a fly."
We are not lawyers, but we think that such testimony might have posed an obstacle to prosecuting a case against Jones.
Indeed, it has aroused the interest of the NAACP, who means to look into the matter on Jones's behalf.
Newspaper accounts refer to Jones's knife repeatedly as a "retractable buck knife."
We don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but if it exists, we bet you can buy it cheap from Knife & Supply Co. Click this ad and save us from a savage police beating resulting from an inability to pay our web hosting bill!
Correction: KnifeBlabber previously reported that Jones suffered a concussion in the struggle. It was in fact Avnet who suffered the concussion. We regret the error.
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Update: Staten Island Ninja Burglar sought by 3 dozen NYPD officers
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Two task forces devoted to catching elusive "local idiot."
Despite fleeing an area home with a steak knife sticking out of him nearly three weeks ago, Staten Island's "Ninja Burglar" remained at large Tuesday, having committed at least two and possibly four more burglaries since and causing widespread insomnia in the New York City borough as homeowners huddled in their kitchens fondling their cutlery and hoping for another chance to pin the tail on this jackass.
Borough police chief Albert Girimonte has had enough of being made to look like a fool by a grown man wearing a Halloween costume and has therefore dedicated two task forces comprising 36 officers to catching the Ninja. One team consists of two dozen patrol officers and the other of a dozen detectives. Girimonte did not disclose whether or not they are equipped with tactical anti-ninja steak knives.
Forensic psychology experts warned that the burglar may not be just a "local idiot" but could prove to be a homicidal lunatic as well, citing previous cases where criminals who dressed up as ninjas proved to be dangerously insane. They also speculated that dressing as a feudal Japanese assassin in order to menace citizens in their homes indicated an adolescent mindset acting out some sort of fantasy. We at KnifeBlabber wonder where we can get paid to state the stunningly obvious.
As it is, we won't make a dime off of telling you that if the Ninja Burglar still insists on attacking homeowners with a modified rice flail, then he's probably going to get some more holes poked in him.
Hey, all you dangerously insane local idiots! Act out your adolescent fantasies with all sorts of ninja gear from TrueSwords. But please do it in front of a mirror instead of a frightened, knife-wielding homeowner. That way you will get fewer holes in you.
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KnifeBlabber : Playing with sharp objects.
